31th may, monday

what I dont understand is why gab is feeling so upset about all that happened on friday. what happened between her, von and stella. all she wanted to do was help sherlyn`, lighten sherlyn's` load. sherlyn` was so upset and frustrated over the sale of the tickets. gab wanted to be a friend to help sherlyn`. is that a crime? gab thought she could count on her friends to help sherlyn` out. she thought that her friends would help her out. but she was wrong. instead of hearing a hearty reply, she got a hurting one. not only did she not manage to help sherlyn`, she also got accused and scolded falsely. I went into kristal's blog. and from there I read von's.

so von wants gab to put herself in other people's shoes, her shoes, to be exact. gab only wanted to help sherlyn`. and that, is true friendship. she even got reprimanded for nothing. it would be worth it if she could sell the tickets to von and stella. gab blocked them, signalling she didnt want to bring the argument further. and for that they told her to unblock them so they could talk logic with her.

its so ironical. what she was doing was out of friendship for sherlyn`. it wasnt even worth it. she didnt sell the tickets. she got scolded like hell. she aleady said sorry in her blog. but von said it didnt sound sincere. didnt sound? how would she know it was not sincere from a computer?? she asked gab, what is more important, God, drama or money. gab said God. okay so that was that. they still wanted to talk logic with her. after all the holy talk where did they go? they went to eat. so, its not drama, its not money, its not God. its food. if you ask her I think thats crap. okay lar they were tired from gb and all. it takes two hands to clap. the argument wouldn't have started if only one was unreasonable. makes sense?

I mean. ah. whatever. whats the use.

30th may, sunday

today I did alot of thinking. I was thinking, am I ready for a relationship and have I found the right person? was I ready to commit myself into a relationship, and love that person wholeheartedly? the question still lies in my heart, unanswered. I dont know if I'm doing the right thing here.

I know, when joshua was troubled I was there for him. but I dont know if I can be there for him for eternity. do I see a future with him? after friday I realised that we really had a problem with communication. in which, we dont. I guess its just me.

dont think I'm cut out for relationships. its like, many people I know who are in relationships now can handle them perfectly. while me, like, um, 3 failed relationships? I'm not looking forward to increasing that number.

and joshua like everytime I talk to him on msn he would go "zzz". I mean, what is that? he acts like talking to me isn't his first choice ever. and his nick?? its "study hard my bitches get A1 for chinese". I was going "wha...?!" okay thats it man. I cant live with this person. who has horribly shown his true self in a matter of weeks. thats it man. game over.

29th may, saturday

okay, the only thing I like about relationships are that you love someone, and you are too loved in return. and one more thing, the honeymoon period is the ultimate best time of your life. and guess what? the only stupid "mushy" sms or whatever is "I love you" and thats it! and it doesnt come often. we just talk crap and thats that. gab is having her honeymoon period with her brotherbear and now I'm in the process of being courted and no stupid, goddamn honeymoon period. the "iloveyou" just comes at the end when we stop sms-ing or whatever.

I'm damn pissed. I always look forward to the honeymoon period when everything you put in your mouth is sweet and all that. gab met her brotherbear later than I met joshua and she has like, 23 romantic sms-es from him and all I've got is a pathetic three. I just realised it and I dont like it. sherlyn got her honeymoon period and gab got hers. I had mine with bensee, and it was damn sweet. and as far as I'm concerned, joshua is a much better person than bensee. I was looking for something romantic, and boom! just three stupid words and thats it. >.< argh. sherlyn`, gab help. you guys should know what I'm talking about.

and whenever he's angry or something all the vulgarities like all the F start comin out. I mean, okay lah, you want to say just dont say it in front of me can le lar.. argh. I've been feeling rather turned off by all that and everything. I dont think I can be with him. I dont think I want to be with him. he's never been in a relationship before. maybe what I'm expecting is too much to ask from him. I'm glad I annulled it now. maybe he's just not ready to commit himself to a relationship. maybe we just dont fit together like I thought we did. I'm not sure I love him for him now. it can be just a small crush. a small puppy love crush. maybe, I dont know. the one I confide in is alson, not joshua. *shrugs* I'll let nature take its course. if we're meant to be together we will be together. if we're not, then we're not. I dont think we are so-called, perfect for each other.

29th may, saturday

when I was long john's talking to sherlyn` and gab about my problem yesterday, the radio was playing on the speakers. right after sherlyn` sent an sms to joshua saying I wanted to annul the relationship, the song 'come what may'. it was then I started to regret that decision like crazy. sherlyn` used gab's phone radio to play the song louder. I thought of joshua and everything. gab sensed tears were about to flow from my eyes. I was scared that things would change rapidly. sherlyn` and gab reassured me, that nothing would change.

had a good talk with him last night. the conversation had ended really unexpectedly. shucks.

felt like composing stuff when I woke up. so I decided to compose one. its bout unhappiness and stuff like that.


sadness cast upon me like a fallen bridge
getting heavier and heavier like a moving ridge
what happened, why is this so, I cry, I wonder
yearning to yell out feelings hidden deep under
many secrets I shared, opened and sealed by trust
often enough I've been betrayed, feeling life's unjust
many a time I've fallen into the dust of disgrace
meditating just why cant my life fall into place
some people bask in happiness, joy and laughter
why isnt it the same for me, answers I sought after
why must there be sorrow and hurt, I speculated on
so unlike the rising sun and warmth of dawn
success in life is a journey, not a destination
whatever living thing you see is God's creation
so even though life doesnt seem to be going your way
whatever troubles u have, give it to God and pray

its rather short. I'm stumped. ran out of ideas. hope whoever's reading it like what you see.

29th may, saturday

gab was upset bout something and i had to go see what happened and stuff. she was sobbing so hard all that came out from her mouth came out in yells. i felt like i was the one who made her cry, not stella and yvonne. i was on the phone with joshua then, and i kept stealing desperate glances at the phone. i had put him on hold for 30 mins. I was pratically kneeling down on the floor listening to her that when i stood up i nearly fell over. when she was finally done i hurridly picked up the receiver. but it seems he had slept by the phone. poor boy. feel so guilty now.

and the next morning i overslept and gab started yelling at me. this time i was the one she was angry with, alright. she yelled and tugged and screamed. in the end she went to te lotr exhibition by herself. i wanted so much to go. but all the yelling and tugging kinda spoilt my mood. i dont feel like going to the play tonight as a result. but i promised sherlyn`. i want to be a good friend. so i guess i'll go. the holidays are so stressful.

28th may, thursday

i just got this bloggie a couple of days ago, so its not that posh yet. today was horrible. i went out with joshua, and then tension was so thich a butcher's knife wouldnt be able to cut through it. i hardly said 100 words to him, and i could tell he didnt like that. oh well. so we watched 'confessions of a teenage drama queen'. it was cool and all. all i thought about during the movie was to hold joshua's hand. so i wasnt really concentrating. heh. didnt hold in the end tho.

we parted after the movie, and thats when all the tension became greater. i was confiding in my sister and sherlyn` on my thoughts and feelings. i had wanted the relationship annulled, so sherlyn` helped me to talk to joshua. so she helped me get it annulled and all. things became a little awkward and i regretted that decision immediately after sherlyn` sent that sms.

this was what i was afraid of. making mistakes in decision in the relationship. and i just changed something big. shucks. feel damn lousy now.

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